GNATS: The Hellspawn of Mankind

Posted: August 6, 2014 in Writing

If you live in the South and you’ve never been pestered by gnats, you’re either the luckiest person alive or you don’t really exist. They have only two purposes: either they were put on this earth teach mankind patience (the hard way), or they were put here to torture impatient people. FAIL! on both accounts.

     Since my wife and I relocated back to the South, I’ve had to acclimate not only to the heat, but to these stubbornly persistent pests. The fact that they serve no useful function in the circle of life only serves to infuriate me more. Last may, I accidentally bushwhacked a small rose bush to a shredded stub when a persistent gnat kept trying to get into my ear.

Gnats=1, Me=0.

Last Monday, I was mowing the grass with my riding mower when a gnat flew directly into my ear and another one crash landed on my eyeball. At the same time. If you think I was mad at this point, well…With hands and foul words flying, my mower made a spitting noise and I caught a glimpse of the tiny garden fence we had around the newly planted Mimosa tree being ejected in pieces from the grass chute.

The fence was destroyed.

The Mimosa may or may not grow back. It almost died when we replanted it. We nursed it back to life, and I noted to my wife just the other day how well it was doing.

Foolish me…

I firmly believe that any company whose livelihood is dependent on sales should incorporate the habits of the gnat into their training material. Can you imagine how many ultra tolerant, brow-beaten people would be buying new things they didn’t need all the time? Maybe it would stimulate the economy, or maybe most of the nation would go completely insane. My bets are on the latter.

I guess gnats are as ingrained in our lives as mind-numbing TV commercials, or plumber’s crack. Not sure if I’ll ever learn patience from them, though.

Gnats=2, Me=0



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